The dead bit beast sketch
by CharlieTheLessFamous
Summary: Just a quick parody of monty Python's dead parrot sketch. Slashy if yopu squint. Written on school trip.


**Okay, okay – I updated it. I found a script and decided to make it more accurate! Okay? Sheesh! Remember, I'm a beta reader now!**

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_Scene is a shop, with counter, bell etc. The "front" – fourth wall – consists of a window and a door. There is a closed door on the back wall. _

( Enrique enters, carrying a cage, ideal for a hamster or similar.)

Enrique: Hello? … Hello? ( "dings" bell )

(Oliver enters through back door. He looks slightly irritated, although he brightens considerably upon seeing E )

Oliver: Yes?

Enrique: Oh! Hello, miss.

Oliver: Miss?

Enrique: ( Checks script ) Er – wasn't Marie ( Oli's sister ) meant to be in this?

Oliver: Yeah. I got fed up of her stealing my boyfriend. Can we get on with this now?

Enrique: You wanna skip to the end?

Oliver: Why?

Enrique: Have you actually read the script?

Oliver: No. ( reads script. Raises eyebrow. Flushes ) Yikes.

Enrique: Oui. No. I mean – er –

Author: For the love of -- ! Can we start over?

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_The scene is a pet shop, or similar. Enrique enters. _

Enrique: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(Oliver does not respond.)

Enrique: 'Ello, Miss?

Oliver: What do you mean "miss"?

Enrique: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Oliver: We're closin' for lunch.

Enrique: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this bit beast what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very shop.

Oliver: Oh yes, the, uh, the Amphiliyon Deux...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

Enrique: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Oliver: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Enrique: Look, matey, I know a dead bit beast when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Oliver: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bit beast, the Amphiliyon Deux, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage - er - fluff? Scales?!

Enrique: The scales don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Oliver: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Enrique: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Billy bit beast! I've got a lovely fresh dragoon for you if you show...

(Oliver hits the cage)

Oliver: There, he moved!

Enrique: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Oliver: I never!!

Enrique: Yes, you did!

Oliver: I never, never did anything...

Enrique: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO BILLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes bit beast out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Enrique: Now that's what I call a dead bit beast.

Oliver: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Enrique: STUNNED?!?

Oliver: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Amphiliyon Deuxs stun easily, Enri.

Enrique: Um...now look...now look, Oli, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That bit beast is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged bey battle.

Oliver: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the canals. Y'know, in Venice.

Enrique: PININ' for the CANALS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Oliver: The Amphiliyon Deux prefers kipin' on it's back! Remarkable bit beast, id'nit, Enri? Lovely scales!

Enrique: Look, I took the liberty of examining that bit beast when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting upright in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Oliver: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed it down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Enrique: "VOOM"?!? Oli, this bit beast wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Oliver: No no! 'E's pining!

Enrique: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This bit beast is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-BIT BEAST!!

(pause)

Oliver: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,  
we're right out of bit beasts.

Enrique: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Oliver: I got a -er - kitten.

(pause)

Enrique: Pray, does it help one in a bey battle?

Oliver: Nnnnot really.

Enrique: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Oliver: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Enrique: Well.

(pause)

Oliver: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Enrique: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.


End file.
